We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
