It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am midnight drunk by noon
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
