i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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