I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
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My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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