One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
