brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
