Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
