I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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