For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This is classic penis vs brain.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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