i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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