if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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