my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
