When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
