It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
