Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
