Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
being pregnant is like rehab
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
