Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
