The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
