I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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