Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
