What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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