don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
