he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
