Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
