I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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