I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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