just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
