This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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