Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
