I think my fart just growled at me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He kissed a someone with a penis
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Text me some of your sweat
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
