I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
