I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
