I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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