She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
