I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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