One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
