I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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