You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's official drugs can't kill me
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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