Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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