I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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