If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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