I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
