He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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