There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
