Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
