How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
