She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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