Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
