I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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