I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower