Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.