i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius