when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she peed on how many people?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
