he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
