I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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